Gundam Wing is copyright...Sotsu, I think it is, and I don't
own the GW boys, if I did I'd have my own personal harem and a billion dollars
instead of my pathetic 486 CPU and small fansub collection...
---------------------------
SUNDAY:
Shi-chan: Apologies...I didn't get this up last night...
Duo: Thank God...
Shi-chan: Um, yeah. I spent most of the night looking for
Ground Zero scans.
Duo: And fanfics....
Shi-chan: Oh yes, and the fanfics. *grin* I read so many
good darkfics...too bad I can't write them...
Duo: Oh, what a shame! *grins evilly*
---------------------------
Death Becomes Him
~By Shimegami-chan
Part 18
WARNING! SHOUNEN-AI, LANGUAGE
The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully, although Duo
was getting quite annoyed at having to stay phased all the time and having
Heero following him everywhere. By bedtime Duo was starving, he hadn't eaten
since the pizza early that morning. Once he and Heero were settled into bed--or
at least as settled as Duo could get half-solid as he was--Duo was relieved to
see Heero immediately falling into dreams. The Japanese pilot snored softly, a
smile on his lips, mumbling to someone or something in his dream.
Quietly Duo slipped out of bed and turned solid, then headed
down to the kitchen for a snack--or something equivalent of the two meals he
had missed that day. Funny, I'm not usually this hungry after just missing
dinner...must be this weird phasing thing...
He began fixing himself some noodles absent-mindedly, still listening
carefully to noises from just above in case Heero woke up, and barely noticed
the approach of someone else from the doorway.
"Duo."
"Hey, Trowa."
"How's Heero doing?" The unibanged pilot sat down at
the kitchen table.
Duo scooted over with his bowl of noodles and a fork.
"He's doing better, I think..."
"Still haven't figured out how to use chopsticks?"
"Um..." Duo grinned and put a forkful into his
mouth. "Not really..."
Trowa's blank face softened. "How are you
doing?"
"Fine, fine!" Duo reassured him. "He's
pissing me off to no end, but it's okay! It's not his fault. I think."
"No. Not if his problem is as severe as we think."
Trowa sighed and rubbed his temples. "You're going to have to decide what
to do. Heero is in your hands."
Duo looked sad. "I know. I've thought a lot about it,
Trowa...and I think maybe he's right, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
The braided pilot clasped his hands together. "If you
really think about this...Heero's right. I'm dead. He knows it, accepted
it, maybe hasn't come to terms with it yet, but it's true. I haven't been able
to accept it...because I've been living. But all this could be taken away again
in the blink of an eye, and you and Quatre and Wufei and I are going to have to
come to terms with it--all over again. Heero's kind of done it already. But I
don't know why I'm here, Trowa, was it all a mistake? Or was I right
from the start; I'm only here to determine whether Heero lives or dies? Maybe
it was because of the split personality. Maybe once that's cured or fixed or
however you say it I go back to oblivion. And I don't want to, but it's
probably going to happen. I know it...and I think you do too."
Tears glistened in Trowa's visible emerald-green eye.
"I don't want to believe you. But you may be right."
"That's the hardest part of all, not knowing." Duo
said softly. "Not knowing what to do."
"I have another theory that I think you should
know..."
Duo looked up. "What's that?"
Trowa hesitated. "Don't you think...that maybe losing
you again really would kill Heero?"
"Yesss...."
"Suicidal or not, most people deep down still want to
live. It's possible that your sudden appearance caused the split, so that once
you...left us again only one side of Heero would have to face the pain?"
Duo's face froze. "Oh, no...that time when he came up
behind me in the mirror...he was acting so oddly...and then he started getting
violent..." Duo closed his indigo eyes and sighed. "That might be
when it happened, right there, when he actually acknowledged that I was really
real. I touched him and we kissed...maybe it was too much for him..."
Trowa's face was even more stricken than before, and Duo
finally realized why. "Trowa...I just had an awful thought..."
The unibanged pilot looked down at the table. "So...do
you think that when you go, Heero might go back to normal?"
Duo grimaced. "No...I was thinking that if I were to die
again, that soft personality of Heero's--the one that sees me, the one that
loves me--will die with me. Leaving..."
"Leaving that semi-suicidal other Heero with us."
"Right." Duo couldn't keep the pain out of his
eyes. "At least until he makes good on his promise to kill himself."
----------------------------
Heero stirred and noticed that Duo's soft blue glow beside
him was missing.
----------------------------
"That's just a theory though, right?" Trowa asked
worriedly.
"Yeah. Just a thought. I'm not really suicidal, you
know, Trowa...it occurred to me once or twice, and more than that over the last
few days, but I really don't want to die. I want to be here, with you guys and
Heero, and be the legal drinking age and get on with a normal life. I never
really had a normal life. None of us did...except maybe Quatre, or
Wu-man." He looked a little angry. "But all that got taken away from
me, without any warning. And now here I am, barely half a person, I couldn't fend
for myself until I got to Quatre. I would have died again, without him being
there to take me in. I would have died again on the cliff if I hadn't come to
my damned senses. I could die any minute now, when God or whoever's up there
realizes that I've come to this realization and accepted that fact that it's
over! I would give my life for you, Trowa, or for Heero or Quatre or Wu-man.
But I don't think I have a life to give anymore. Even if I wanted suicide
now--if I had to do it to bring Heero back to his senses, I would--I don't know
what would happen to me. Am I just here until Heero gets himself back together?
Or am I just here until I decide deep down that it's time for me to move on? Do
I need to kill myself to end this, will someone do it for me, or will I
just disappear someday? It scares the shit out of me that I don't know. That
I've got no way of knowing. Not being able to go solid this morning really
freaked me out...it could have been a sign of what's coming. Maybe tomorrow I
won't be able to go back to normal at all. Maybe my wings will appear and I
won't be able to concentrate them away. Maybe one of you won't be able to see
me anymore. I don't know." He gasped for breath. "I don't know why
this is happening! I thought at first that it was my personal hell on
earth...that could still be true! I find myself having trouble believing in my
own existence, what if tomorrow we find out that it was never really real at
all, that it's just a dream you or Quatre or Heero are having? Is what I did in
life enough to bring this upon me? I was Shinigami, I don't deny it, I killed
and killed and killed for what I thought was the good of the colonies and my
own survival. How important was my survival compared to all those OZ soldiers?
How many more civilians would have died if I hadn't been there? Which was truly
the right way for us to live, killing for others or getting killed
ourselves?"
Trowa did not speak. "That's something all of us
wonder, I think. You know I cannot answer your questions...some of them are my questions
too. But rest assured, everything you did with your life went according to what
you believed was right, did it not? Duo, you're one of the most caring and
loyal people I know. You would never have abandoned us if there were anything
you could do about it. And we are not going to abandon you now."
"Thanks a lot, Trowa." Duo offered him a genuine
smile. "If I die tomorrow, and I mean really die, I know that this
time I won't be leaving anything left undone."
---------------------------
Shi-chan: Starting to clue up, next chapter...I'll start
working on it right away....
Duo: o.O