Meitantei Konan = not mine

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Shi-chan: Please don't kill me.
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If I Were Gay
~By Shimegami-chan
Author's Note: All right, no bloodshed, no bloodshed...I know there have to be SOME Conan shounen-ai fans, right? Don't get me wrong, ConanxRan is my very favorite pairing in the whole world, and I just love HeijixKazuha, but...this just jumped into my head, and...argh...um...shounen-ai ahead?





They sat in a dark corner of the basement in silence.

"Kudo?"

"Nineteen."

"What?"

He smiles, the expression looking almost malicious in the dim light. "I would be nineteen years old today, Hattori."

"Kudo..."

Here we are, dear old friend

"...You shouldn't drink that much. You know how easily you'll--"

"I can hold my alcohol, Hattori."

"But that body--"

"I don't care Hattori."

You and I, drunk again

He's trembling as he says it, and I know he's lying, even though the sake he's downed already has made him more truthful in the past three hours than he's ever been before. I wish I hadn't been the first one Ran had called when he didn't come home. I wish I hadn't been so worried, calling a quick good-bye to Kazuha and catching the next train out of Osaka.

I wish I hadn't been the one to find him, getting drunk and depressed in the basement of the apartment.

"Heiji--"

"Yeah?" I'm not as caught off-guard by the use of my given name as I could have been.

Laughs have been had and tears have been shed

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier."

"It's fine...Shinichi."

He looks almost hopeful, but it's difficult to tell why. Because I'm not mad? Because maybe...he might hope, might dream that...

His youthful face closes up, but he still smiles. He understands. "Thanks."

"Kudo...if you don't mind me asking...what...when..."

His voice is hoarse. "She's slipped away, more and more, and one day I realized that I was just being selfish. I gave up on her long ago...and then, when I met you..."

Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head

"I'm sorry," I whisper, but that's not enough. "I guess I can see why you're...down."

His nine-year-old lips curl into a smile. "Either way, I'm glad you found me."

His glasses are on the floor, his jacket and bow tie in a pile. Cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, he still manages to look like the ever-on-edge Kudo Shinichi--or at least Edogawa Conan--I've had the pleasure of knowing for the past two years. His eyes, pupils dilated, fix on me, and I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking.

If I were gay, I would give you my heart

I'm sure he knows, he must, for nothing escapes the Great Detective of the East. And yet guilt still pangs at my heart, and I can't tell why. I should be angry, shouldn't I? I have Kazuha, whom I'm very close to...and he has Ran.

Had Ran.

Not out of pity, never out of pity, but...as I was looking at those soft blue eyes, I thought, maybe...

And if I were gay you'd be my work of art

"Kudo..."

He knows.

"H-Hattori..." It's Hattori again. Would the guy just make up his mind? The next thing I knew he'd be calling me Heiji-sempai or something. Something.

I take another sip of the sake in his hand, if only to distract myself from the conflicting feelings. The bottle was gone. The kid was gonna be sick in the morning...

He was still staring at me, and I realized that I hadn't answered. "Yeah?"

"Why did you come looking for me?"

"I was worried about you, idiot."

He smiled.

"I'm nine years old. I can take care of myself."

I laughed.

And if I were gay, we would swim in romance

"Happy birthday, Kudo. How does it feel to be nineteen?"

"It feels like a second childhood." Oh, the irony.

"It feels like you're drunk."

"You're drunk too. Hattori."

He keeps saying my name. I wonder if he's forgetting it or something? "You're not that old, Shinichi!" I say aloud.

"What are you talking about?"

Maybe I am drunk.

I've been drinking since I found him...an hour ago. One, two, cups of sake when I found him...three, when I found him crying...four, when he told me...he told me...five...six...shit, I lost count around six.

Why aren't I dead? My head is spinning, and he's staring at me again. "Sorry."

When he told me...

When he told me...

Maybe it's all been a dream.

"For what?"

His eyes are so blue...they're nice eyes, and I think I might have enjoyed looking into them for often if they were nineteen-year-old eyes. But they're not, and I can't, because I'm not...I'm not...

Not like him.

For everything I competed with Kudo for, he has something that I don't, and almost for a moment I'm a little jealous.

For his personality, for his mind, for his demeanor, for everything that is Kudo... I almost, almost wished...

Ah, but I'm drunk.

I'm drunk, I'm drunk. A giddy singsong in my head. Freedom. Kazuha would never know, never, never know...and Kudo wouldn't tell, never, because he hid for so long, so long...

"Heiji?"

I lean forward and cradle his cheek in my hand, meeting his small lips with mine. His eyes go wide in surprise, but he kisses back, lightly at first, then pressing harder, tongue against mine, childish fingers tangled in my hair, both of us trembling with surprise and shock and want.

He breaks off. "Heiji..."

"Shinichi..."

"You said you weren't."

"I'm not. But I wanted to...just once."

He smiles gratefully, and I smile too, the taste of his lips still lingering. Sweet, the taste of honey mingled with alcohol, and I know that we're drunk, both of us...

It doesn't matter.

But I'm not gay...so get your hand out of my pants...

"Thanks, Hattori. Even if it was pity, I somehow feel better." He's not mad. Good, sometimes he gets like that.

"Not pity, Kudo, never for you."

He laughed. "You're not that drunk." But his eyes are serious.

"I did it because I wanted to."

His smile is genuine this time. "Not a word to anyone, then."

"Yeah."

We're silent for a moment, and he picks up the bottle and his jacket, swaying unsteadily. I stand as well, picking up Kudo, bottle, jacket, tie, glasses and all--damn kid, drinking all that. "Let's check in with Ran, if you're finished."

"I'm fine." He lets me carry him up the stairs, and into the harsh light of the Mouri Detective Agency. Neither of the Mouris have returned.

"So...how does it feel to be nineteen now?"

His eyes are sad, but bright. "Can't wait till I'm twenty-six, wanna come celebrate with me?"

"I'm sure you'll be able to hold your alcohol by then."

He smiles. "Yeah."

"Kudo..."

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry..."

He understands. "It's okay."

"Another time, another place...I think I might..."

"Don't dwell on it, Hattori. You'll only doubt yourself."

"All right."

"Hattori..."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Yeah."

And if I were gay, I would give you my heart...






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Shi-chan: Whoo! Now that's the most interesting thing I've done in a while!
Ken: What are you talking about? It's "Love Is," only it's Detective Conan.
Shi-chan: I meant the songfic.
Ken: ....sure you did.
Heiji, Shinichi and Daisuke: Riiiiight.
Seki: The inset lyrics are from "If I Were Gay," by Stephen Lynch. Nice song. Read it in a fanfic somewhere. ^^;;
Duo: That's how she hears all her English music...
Seki: Bah...I'm just cultured...