A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, guys! I’m working on getting this story out in a timely matter because of you. n.n Since I started working on this piece I even went back and edited some (but not all, not yet) of my older Detective Conan fan fiction to flow more nicely as well as fit better in the canon. In A Study in Shinichi, I had things like…Mitsuhiko-tachi barely recognizing Kudo’s name, Ran herself calling him Shinichi-kun, absolutely no up-to-date info on Haibara, and at the time it was written everybody in the fandom thought Jodie-sensei was a member of the Black Organization, ha ha…

Man, there is nothing more painful (save for what Shin-chan’s going to go through in this next chapter) than rereading your own work and being almost too embarrassed that you wrote it. I may have to make all of those stories more presentable, now…I’ve already rewritten the entire first chapter of that Saint Tail/Detective Conan crossover I started back in 2001, though I won‘t post it until I get the others fixed too. Painted poor Kaitou as quite the bad guy in that one, oopsie.

Only This

by Shimegami-chan

Chapter 3

Six weeks passed between the day Conan first collapsed and the day his condition finally deteriorated to the point that the doctors took serious note. Heiji had been expecting it for a long time, of course, and it showed in his exhausted face every morning when he stepped into the hospital room expecting to see the worst. The weight of Kudo's secret and Heiji's promise was nearly as heavy on his mind as the knowledge that with each passing day the chances of Conan living through this encounter were lessening. They knew now, from Haibara's research, that the toxin had been festering for months on end...that even in the early tests she had performed on him when creating the first temporary antidote there were signs that the drug was taking hold. Over that time, and combined with the stress on his body of taking the antidote as well as several doses of Paical, the effects had intensified and eventually caused his body to simply shut down in an act of self-preservation. Haibara and the Professor were once again working around the clock and had even gotten their colleagues involved to move faster, despite the great risk to themselves of revealing the existence of APTX-4869's compounds to outsiders. The Professor promised Conan that he told his old college friends nothing, simply asked for their opinions and assistance, and wearily the boy detective had to accept it. With Heiji and his mother on his case, he had little choice.

Heiji had been expecting his illness to worsen, and had been trying to prepare himself to be a stronger source of support when that happened…but when it did, it was in such a manner that even he did not know how to react. He’d entered Conan’s hospital room as cheerfully as ever on a Sunday morning, whistling off-tune and carrying a stack of books under one arm. The noises he was making abruptly died out when Conan failed to respond to his appearance, staring glassy-eyed at the ceiling, his small fingers twisted so tightly around the sheets that the cotton was near its tearing point.

“Kudo?” Heiji whispered, dropping the things he carried into one of the visitors’ chairs. “Kudo? Are you all right?”

“Ah, Heiji-niichan,” Conan said after a long pause, in a strange, off-pitch tone Heiji had never heard him use before. Heiji waited for him to go on, as it sounded like Conan intended to continue speaking, but the boy stopped there without even turning his head.

Instincts kicking in, Heiji glanced suspiciously around the room for possible listeners (Kid again? No, Kudo called me ‘Hattori’ in front of Kid last time) and then listening devices. As he did so, the patient seemed to have already forgotten he was there, staring blankly at the ceiling.

“Kudo…” Heiji said slowly as he finished checking the room, “how are you feeling?”

“Bad,” Conan responded, still in that high-pitched, strange tone. “I feel really bad, Heiji-niichan. Am I going to die?”

That got Heiji’s attention, and more thoroughly and abruptly that a punch to the gut. “What?” He rushed to Conan’s bedside and looked the boy over, not sure what to expect--

Wait--Drugs? Immediately the Kansai detective noticed that Conan’s eyes had lost their sharp, calculating quality and were now hazy and distant, unfocused. There was a new IV in his left hand as well, and he looked flushed, sweat matting his tousled bangs and present in beads on his forehead. Heiji held his fingers to the boy’s skin and was unsurprised to find that he was extremely warm to the touch. Something must have happened, and they had to give him medication…sedatives, from the looks of it, and something to make him so out-of-it…morphine? Or was he delirious before he got the painkillers?

It was hard to say. Swallowing, Heiji was uncertain whether to try talking sense into Kudo, or try to comfort the child persona he appeared to have slipped into. He patted Conan’s hand in a reassuring gesture and said “Naw, kid, you’re doing great. How about I call your mom in to see you a little earlier than planned? Are you feeling up to that?”

The boy’s reaction was delayed, but a weak smile spread over his features and he nodded. “My mom…”

“I’ll call her right now,” Heiji promised. “You just sit tight, and I’ll be right back.” He turned, careful to keep the encouraging smile on his face while the child watched, and then he ran from the room, more affected by the sudden turn of events than he had been since this whole nightmare began.

The rest of the day was a blur for Heiji, made worse rather than better when Yukiko appeared red-eyed from crying in a taxi a short while after. She came wearing her own face and modest clothes, but looking so little like the composed former actress she was that even her biggest fan might have passed her on the street without recognition. Heiji caught her by the shoulders as she plowed through the crowd in the hospital lobby, and she clung to him and told him shakily that she couldn’t wait any longer, that Yuusaku was on the next flight, that they had to do something to save her Shin-chan--

But what? Heiji led her to Conan’s room, praying that the boy had become more lucid, but wasn’t surprised when he found Conan in exactly the same position he had been laying in when the Western detective left. He turned his head slightly at the sound of his mother and Heiji entering. “Kaasan…”

That’s a relief, at least he recognized her. For some reason, after the treatment he’d received from the grade-schooler, Heiji had been somewhat afraid that Conan would expect Fumiyo’s artificial face and accept no others. He even responded to his true name when it issued from Yukiko’s lips again and again, begging him to reassure her that he was all right.

Conan/Shin-chan, however, was far too dazed to know what she wanted, he kept shaking his head as though to clear it of some unwelcome thought, and eventually Yukiko turned to him with undisguised fright. “Heiji-kun…what’s wrong with him?”

“I, uh, I’m not sure. I figured they gave him something during the night to help him sleep - see, there’s a different IV here, and his reaction time gives me the impression that he’s been sedated at least once in the past twelve hours. I’m no medical expert, though, Kudo is much better with this kind of thing than I am.”

Yukiko regarded her son with alarm. “Why did they need to drug him?”

“Well…” Heiji trailed off and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “Nobody’s giving me any information because I’m not a family member…but the nurses said he was feeling pretty bad and was saying some strange things. He was in some pain, they said…”

Heiji didn’t know what kind of strange things the boy had said, nor had he pressed the nurses for more information (after all, if they thought Conan was just delirious, it was better not to arouse suspicion), but he could guess. Pretty much anything that came out of the boy’s mouth unwillingly would probably be enough to put all their lives in danger, so the fact that he’d been tranquilized to keep him under was both a relief and a worry.

Yukiko burst into tears again and hugged Conan to her, lifting him bodily out of the mess of medical equipment. “Oh, Shin-chan! You have to be okay! Please!”

Conan opened his mouth but did not speak, wide-eyed and shocked looking. After a moment he lowered his head and leaned against her, small fingers curling tightly into the fabric of her green wool sweater, but didn't speak.

“Yukiko-san,” Heiji said quietly, “I think it’s better for him if you try to be strong for now. He was terrified this morning when I came in, and definitely not himself…he was more like a real little kid. I don’t know what they gave him, but it looks like it knocked his cognitive functions back enough to match his appearance. I, uh…” He trailed off, unwilling to meet Yukiko’s gaze. “I don’t know if it was something about the medication, or if it has something to do with the Apotoxin. Maybe it’s…affecting…him differently now.” The mere idea of this chilled Heiji to the core; it was bad enough seeing his friend’s reduced size, but he’d never expected his intelligence to be the next to go. It can't be permanent, can it? “Maybe…”

“No...it's not that, it's something different...” Conan interjected, very softly, and though he still clung to Yukiko’s shirt, his voice had dropped back to its normal range. Heiji felt his own heartrate returning to normal as the gradeschooler spoke. “'Kaasan…please stop crying…”

“Shin-chan!” She released him and inspected his face. His eyes were still cloudy and his breathing ragged, but his jaw was set now as he tried to focus on her. “I…”

“Just calm down.” He looked even more exhausted than before. “I don't know what that was all about...Haibara might...well, I'll ask her to come over, I guess..." He extricated himself from his mother's arms. "I’m okay, I promise I am. Perfectly sane, just a little dizzy. Go on into the bathroom and get cleaned up, okay?”

Yukiko hesitated. “But...”

He released her and fell back onto the raised pillows of the bed. “And you shouldn’t be here without your disguise. The doctors aren’t going to tell you anything if they don’t think you’re really my mother.”

“You shouldn’t be worrying about that kind of thing!” Yukiko exploded, looking furious at his nonchalance. “I called your father and he’s on the plane now. I’m terrified here! What do you want us to do while you’re laying here wasting away? Do you really expect us to pretend we’re not your parents!?”

“'Kaasan,” Conan said in a strained voice, “do you actually want to explain to the hospital staff why I look like a seven-year-old? They know the face of your disguise now, so that’s how you need to appear. It’s what’s going to keep you safe…” he closed his eyes and breathed once, deeply. “After I’m gone.”

At this, Yukiko completely lost her composure. She began to cry harder, great, gasping sobs that shook her small frame hard enough to rock the bed. “W-what are you saying! You’re n-not g-going to die, Shin-chan! You can’t…!”

Conan sent the other detective a warning look. “Hattori…”

Heiji took the cue and grasped Yukiko’s wrist, gently leading her away from her son and out of the room. “Come on, out here - this isn’t the place.” His hand grasped the cell phone in his pocket, and he tossed it to Conan, who caught the object clumsily. Then he closed the door behind them both and led the distraught woman down the hall.

Later, after Conan had called the Professor to come and tend to Yukiko, Haibara and Heiji assembled together in Conan’s room, wearing twin frowns. The Western detective, however, was immeasurably glad to find his friend lucid and energetic there, and his expression changed immediately into a relieved smile. “Kudo, thank God, you scared the crap out of me earlier.”

“Sorry,” Conan mumbled, looking unhappy. “I was pretty slow coming out of all the stuff they gave me last night.”

“So something did happen.”

“Yeah.” The boy adjusted his posture and sat up straighter in the bed. “I had three more attacks, worse than anything I‘ve had before. It feels just like it does when I’m growing or shrinking, but when it passes, I’m always still small. Can’t figure it out. Neither could the doctors, obviously, so when the morphine they gave me did absolutely nothing for the pain, they stepped up the dosage and I got a bit loopy.” He sighed. “Apparently I got a bit violent, too, and they had to put me under.”

“Wonderful,” Haibara murmured sarcastically.

Heiji looked at her with interest. “Do you know what it means?”

The shrunken scientist crossed her thin arms over her chest. “I suppose it means we’ll have to work even faster. The drug…the way APTX works is so it only interferes with the essential systems, multiplying the cells, but in a way that makes the cause of death undetectable. I suppose…what it feels like for you, is that you’re going into cardiac arrest, dozens of times.”

Heiji swore, loudly.

“As I’ve said before, it doesn’t do much to the nervous system,” she said conversationally, sounding very much like a university professor teaching a class, “but it is definitely doing damage elsewhere. I also can't say that the combination of the hospital drugs and the Apotoxin in your system - which already isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, since it kept you shrunk for quite some time before kicking in - isn’t going to be highly dangerous to both your body and behaviour. The way you acted this morning is proof of that - after all, morphine only causes hallucinations when administered in very large doses, and generally speaking, one does not change between that stage and complete lucidity at the rate Hattori indicated. You weren’t embellishing or anything, I trust.”

“No!” both Conan and Heiji answered at once. Conan cut in before the Osakan could speak again. “No, I don’t even remember Hattori arriving this morning. The first thing I remember after waking up was being held by my mother and hearing this guy try to guess what happened during the night. That’s it. It was sudden, too - like taking a sudden breath when coming out of the pool, and there I was.” He paused, looking slightly embarrassed.

“You didn’t say anything you shouldn’t have, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Heiji assured him.

Conan held his hand to his chin in a classic I’m-thinking pose. “It’s not that. I just…well, if this is something that’ll be ongoing…”

“I would not rule out the possibility,” Haibara warned him.

“Then…it’s going to be troublesome to deal with Ran. I can’t keep up the act of being stable if I can’t control what I’m saying. She’s going to have to be kept away, or told the truth about my condition.”

“No!” Haibara yelped. “Don’t be foolish! Don’t you think she’s going to try to do something on her own, if you tell her now!? If she knows you’re…not going to make it…”

“What could she do?” Heiji questioned. He still didn’t see the big deal about telling Ran, in fact, even since Conan had landed in the hospital the teenage detective had become more and more sure that she had to be told.

Haibara levelled a glare at him that could have melted steel. “Unpredictable things. For example, she and her father might try to obtain information on the Organization in order to go after them while there’s still a chance that what they know could save Kudo-kun. Is this not just the type of thing she’d be likely to try?”

Conan shook his head bitterly. “That’s exactly the kind of thing she’d do. And she’d get herself and Occhan killed.”

“She can’t know,” Haibara said gravely, her face eerily calm. “You may not be able to hide your worsening condition, but she cannot know that you are Kudo Shinichi. Don‘t you try anything either, Hattori-kun.”

Heiji tried to hide his shock. How had she known?

“All we can do,” she continued, “is keep working on the antidote. I’ve been working with Paical chemical makeup again, trying to make the change less violent so that you might actually survive it. I’m going to warn you now, Kudo-kun, that it isn’t going to be easy from here - the heart palpitations are going to be frequent and fewer between, judging from the readings I took. You will either endure it or allow them to drug you. Your chances of survival are higher if they administer you the morphine, but if you continue to lose touch with reality while under its influence, they very likely will sedate you again, and both situations will be embarrassing. I doubt the staff here would take anything you said about your former life seriously while you are hallucinating, but you will be in danger if you do so to the wrong person - Mouri-kun, for example, or Ayumi-chan and the others.”

“That’s a rock and a hard place,” Heiji muttered. “What’ll you do, Kudo?”

“I can’t say,” Conan replied slowly. “I don’t want to risk blowing my cover, but the attacks aren’t the easiest thing to just sit through.”

“You must prepare yourself, Kudo-kun - it will get worse,” Haibara said with finality, and Heiji could not miss the hesitation and regret that flashed across her face. “We’re doing our best, but this is far from over.”

-to be continued…

A/N: Did I say four chapters? Ahahahaha. Forget that.

I know about as much about drugs and medication as Hattori does in this story (essentially nothing), so hope it doesn’t sound contrived. Gaia was my Ai-chan - thanks muchly for your help! o/